


Breathe in, breath out.

by monotonia_0304



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, I smoke myself and I admit it's horrible, I'm honestly always worried about Soobin, M/M, MOAs don't be like me, My First Work in This Fandom, Panic Attacks, Sad Choi Soobin, Smoking, Smoking is bad, Stream CYSM? lol, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monotonia_0304/pseuds/monotonia_0304
Summary: Being the leader was hard and as their success skyrocketed and expectations pilled up, it kept getting harder and sometimes Soobin just needs something to unwind and remind himself how to properly breath, even if that something is absolutely horrible and definetely a bad idea.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 111





	Breathe in, breath out.

**Author's Note:**

> Why, hello there. 
> 
> I'm pretty new to the whole Kpop thing, I was more of a Visual Kei kinda girl growing up, but this damn pandemic made me an ARMY and a MOA and I've been specially obsessed with the little balls of joy that are the giants, 4th generation leaders TOMORROW X TOGETHER, so most of what I've been writing revolves around them. 
> 
> Last night I was out with my dog, smoking a cigarette, telling myself I was stupid for smoking, knowing full well both my grandmother and my father died of stomach cancer and the only thing I'm doing is making my chances of getting sick grow bigger. I'm also a singer and while I managed to quit last year since I was actively working as a singer and needed my voice in the best condition possible, my band kicked me out after I got sick and couldn't perform in three gigs and that made me really depressed, so I started smoking WAY more than I used to. Like, a pack would last me two days tops. 
> 
> And then my mind flew to TXT, probably because I was humming Maze in the Mirror while I walked and I thought "Shit, Soobin is only nineteen years old and he already has to carry all this responsability" and sure, he's the leader for a reason, but it still worries me it can be overwhelming for him. I started smoking thanks to my anxiety because it literally helps me control my breathing so I don't hyperventilate. And BADABIM BADABOOM I came back home and wrote this. I am so soft for all the Yeonbin content we get, we truly are blessed.
> 
> I wanna point out English is not my main language and I struggle a bit with it sometimes, but I did my best, so please be kind. Also, I want to believe Soobin is way smarter than me and has better coping mechanisms. Also, panic attacks are really fucking hard to describe, because everyone I know has a different experience, so I used my own experience to try and write this.

_Breath in, breath out._

It was a simple motion, a natural one you didn't need to think about on the daily, yet, lately everything was so overwhelming he had forgotten how to do it and found a horrible way of reminding himself how to do it. 

Soobin stared for a moment at the cigarette between his fingers before he took another long drag. 

_ Breathe in.  _

The fresh menthol feeling that masked whatever poisonous substances he was subjecting his airways to oh so well he could almost forget how awful it was for a singer to smoke, how much he would regret it in the long run when his falsetto wasn't sweet and perfect, but for the moment he needed this, he needed to remind himself how to function after another merciless day of doing his leader duties to s tee, sitting in meeting after meeting, having to hide his nervous hands below the table as he talked with producers, stylists and managers when his natural shyness started to make him want to run away from the stuffy meeting room before a grueling dance practice and then go back to the dorms to play mom, making everyone took a shower and ate dinner before managing to slip out of the apartment with his pack of cigarettes safely hidden on the pocket of his sweatpants. Bang PD-nim was a damn sadist for putting him in charge of the group.

_ Breath out.  _

He watched the smoke rise and slowly dissipate into the warm night. Too warm. 

" _I hate this summer day_ " Zico sang from the open window from a passing car. Very appropriate since he was really beginning to hate each and every summer day and night, having to turn to smoking to cope with everything the idol life threw at him without mercy. Maybe he could smoke two cigarettes just tonight, alone outside their building , leaning against a lamp post.

_ Breathe in.  _

But the spell was broken when the cigarette was slapped off his hand and he shook from surprise, the easily startled person he was, immediately paling when he met Yeonjun's stern eyes as a little smoke escaped his mouth.

Before he could even mutter a word his wrist was grabbed in a bruising grace as his eldest yanked him harshly, dragging him back inside the building, saying absolutely nothing as he almost ran up the stairs, angrily punching the access code on their door and opening it, quite literally throwing him inside, making him trip with the messy shoe pile their front door tend to look like and fall to the floor, half of his long body easily seen by the three confused maknaes who were playing video games just a second earlier.

-Go to your rooms. 

Yeonjun's voice was so cold as he walked past him it made Soobin shiver as he stood back up, kicking his shoes off, biting the inside of his cheek nervously. He'd never seen his hyung like this.

-What…

Taehyun couldn't even finish before Yeonjun roared. 

-I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOMS. 

The three teens scrambled to pick up their scattered possessions before pulling up in Huening Kai and Taehyun's room, ears obviously glued to the door.

Yeonjun paced from the living room to the kitchen, his hand finding an innocent abandoned mug someone must have left there after drinking whatever was in there fridge and flung him with all his might, it landing mere inches from where Soobin was standing frozen. 

-What the fuck is wrong with you?! 

Soobin didn't know how to answer, or if he was supposed to answer. 

-You trained like a maniac for three years, you managed to debut and now you're throwing your whole fucking effort away for what?! 

-I…

-Give them to me…

-I don't…

-DID I FUCKING STUTTER?! I SAID GIVE THEM TO ME SOOBIN. 

There were tears already pooling in his eyes as he stared at the broken mug at his feet, trembling hand fumbling on his pocket until he managed to grasp the cigarette pack, lighter nestled inside and hand it to his hyung who immediately threw it into the empty sink.

-I-I'm sorry…

He tried blinking away the tears, failing miserably as his whole body started to shake with contained sobs and he panicked as he noticed he had forgotten how to breath again. 

-I'm sorry hyung, I'm sorry…

Soobin cried out, voice broken and breaths short and pained as he slid down the wall and to the floor, panic started to settle as his lungs ached for air that he just couldn't manage to take, his anxiety flaring up at the bitter realization of how bad he had fucked up, how much he had disappointed his hyung.

Was this death? Maybe, he didn't know, but it surely felt like drowning in dry land, as if all the water in the air of that warm Seoul night was heavy enough to fill his lungs and push him down further his anxious spiral.

Hands were on his shoulders but he couldn't look up as he gasped and sobbed, afraid of what look would be on the blondes man face when he did, vision blurry by the fact he was crying enough tears to fill a bathtub.

-Soobin, I need you to breath.

His voice sounded so far it really felt like he was underwater.

There was no anger left in Yeonjun’s voice, and how could he when he had become a little shivering ball, but still the leaders glassy eyes were stuck somewhere in the laminated floor in front of him, face growing redder and redder as he struggled to breathe. 

Yeonjun cursed under his breath as he kneeled down before him, calling his name insistently, immediately regretting his impulsiveness. He was still mad, of course he was, seeing his leader smoke, possibly hurting his throat and his beautiful velvety voice made him want to slap some sense into his head. But he couldn’t right now because he was hyperventilating and lost somewhere inside his mind. He scrambled through his mind trying to remember what to do in this situations, all of them had to know after Beomgyu had a breakdown months ago and started therapy. Ground him, he needed to ground him but he was already too worked up. 

-Soobinie - Yeonjun called him in the sweetest voice he could come up with, carefully cradling his tear stained face on his hands, making him look up, huffing a breath at the sight of his unfocused eyes - Soobinie, I need you to breath with me, can you please breath with me? 

Soobin wanted to breath, he wanted to be good for his hyung for a difference and melt as plump pouty lips repeated his name, dribbling with honey. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t and Yeonjun would be disappointed in him, his eldest dongsaeng so useless he couldn’t even breathe properly. And them a hand was in his chest, the warm feeling allowing him to swim up and breath for a moment, clearing his view for a second, eyes meeting with Yeonjun’s worried ones before he sank again. He needed to breath, needed to. 

-Come on, let’s try breathing together. Just count to three….one….two...three…-he watched as Soobin did his best to take a shuddering breath- and now breath out...that’s it, you’re doing so well bunny, now let’s count to five. Can you do that for hyung? 

It was a slow process, but after what felt like hours Soobin could hold air for over ten seconds, his face going from red to light pink to finally back to it’s usual paleness, tear tracks starting to dry out, the numbing fear that had almost knocked him out still in the back of his ming, but it wasn't swallowing him hole, the sweet nothings the eldest whispered in his ears along the tingling warm sensation of his warm breath hitting his skin allowing the anxious thoughts to slowly dissolve, and then hands were on his shoulders, thumbs drawing recomforting circles on them. 

They stayed like this, silent for a moment, not caring if the three maknaes were totally peeking out from the slightly open room door, nor Hyuka’s little whine when he noticed which mug Yeonjun had thrown to the ground, followed by both Beomgyu and Taehyun quiet “shh!”. They stayed like that and Soobin finally managed to look at Yeonjun’s eyes, surprised to see tears fighting not to drop down his cheeks. 

-I want to perform with you for a long time. - Yeonjun’s voice was strained and slightly whiny. - I want to be in stage with you for years, I want to keep singing next to you until we’re withered old men complaining about the pain on our knees from all our years of dancing. I want to keep listening to your beautiful falsetto until the day I die, Soobin-ah. 

Tears were now free falling down both of their faces, and how could they not when Yeonjun’s voice was pained and strained as he spoke and Soobin could only make grabby hands at his hyung, like the big baby he was, letting him fit himself between his legs and push their foreheads together, his own hands resting on the eldests nape while the blonde’s cradled his face again, thumbing away his tears and he wanted to stay like this forever, close to his beloved hyung. 

-I’m sorry - Soobin managed to cry out in a whisper - I’m sorry, it’s just...too much and I, I didn’t know what to do, I won- I won’t do it again Yeonjunie-hyung I swear…

-Idiot, you’re supposed to come to me when things get too hard - Yeonjun smiled through his tears, bumping their noses together, lips so close they could feel each other's warm breath. -Promise me you’ll come to me when things are too much. Promise me you'll come to me even if it isn't too much. Please, promise me. 

-I will, I swear…

Yeonjun sniffled and nodded, still smiling, looking at the pretty face before him. 

-You smell like smoke…

-I’ll go brush my…

But the words died in mouth at the distance between them was eliminated by the blonde, lips colliding with each other in a clumsy, yet almost magical kiss. Soobin leaned into it, eyes closed, hands holding his hyung close, not wanting it the intimate contact to ever end. But it had to and they both giggled their anxiousness before kissing again, and again, and again, desperate for the intimate contact they didn’t know they needed. 

-Ah -Yeonjun broke another kiss, looking at him with slightly bloodshot, scared eyes. -I love you. 

Soobin smiled, big and bunny like, fingers tangled in Yeonjun’s messy blonde hair. 

-I love you too. 

-But I don’t love you the way I love the other members I...I love you like…-he seemed to struggle to find the correct word - like a girlfriend. Boyfriend! I meant boyfriend. 

The leader laughed gave him another peck in the lips, the clumsy confession giving him a very needed boost of confidence. 

-I love you that way too, If I didn’t I would’ve punched you a long time ago for flirting so much with me. 

-It’s your fault, you’re too cute. 

-Can we come out now or are you guys gonna fuck?! - screamed Beomgyu from the now half open room door. 

Yeonjun rolled his eyes and turned to the youngest. 

-Yes Gyu, I’m about to fuck Soobin right in the middle of the living room, so close the door, you’re in the splash zone. 

He got himself a half hearted hit to the chest and a molang plushie straight to the face for the comment as the tension quickly dissolved and the five of them helped pick up the broken cup, Yeonjun promising to buy Hyuka a new one as he whined before nagging his leader for being stupid and doing something that could harm him, Taehyun promising to drag him to the gym to workout as punishment, and it was fine, because Soobin felt happy as he took his eldest hand and tangled their fingers together, because now had a healthier and way more satisfying coping mechanism to remind him how to breathe whenever he needed it. 


End file.
